Love yourself – a simple message they tried so hard to teach me,
To drill into me by repeating it as much as I cursed myself the opposite.
Professionals talking about body image and BDD and other nonsense terms.
So many new concepts to try to understand in this new scientific language
As I tried, failed and tried again to grasp the complexity of the human psych.
Another booklet to read, another worksheet to be completed by next week
As my thoughts and their cruel words become almost all consuming.
I let study be a distraction – write and read and write, all without thinking about the physical.
The process to get better is a lot like a school lesson
Just taught in the hospital instead of a classroom
In a tiny office after another evening of skipping class for a different biology lesson.
I never wanted to be this kind of girl in this kind of despised body.
I didn’t want be afraid of making plans to go out anymore
Crying amongst a bundle of strewn clothes, offering as much warmth as a strangers hug.
Items part of a constantly changing wardrobe to support a constantly changing body.
I wanted to stop counting calories, then binge eating anyway
Testing my body to see how long I could go without feeling faint.
I was only pretty when I was hungry, too aware of the dangers of being full
Because that would mean trying to shove fingers down my throat again
Or slicing at skin as if I could cut the fat off.
Craving to be another airbrushed image – ever notice they rarely smile?
Taking in toxic expectations to replace the absent serotonin.
Forgetting everything a plethora of worksheets once tried to teach me
And, despite reassurances, still turning the light off before taking my clothes off
Calling myself names so to become both the bully and the victim.
How can I even begin to accept my body when I am my own worst enemy?
Oh, cop on.