Poetry

Body Image

Love yourself – a simple message they tried so hard to teach me,

To drill into me by repeating it as much as I cursed myself the opposite.

Professionals talking about body image and BDD and other nonsense terms.

So many new concepts to try to understand in this new scientific language

As I tried, failed and tried again to grasp the complexity of the human psych.

                                                Fucking Disgrace

Another booklet to read, another worksheet to be completed by next week

As my thoughts and their cruel words become almost all consuming.

I let study be a distraction – write and read and write, all without thinking about the physical.

The process to get better is a lot like a school lesson

Just taught in the hospital instead of a classroom

In a tiny office after another evening of skipping class for a different biology lesson.

                                                      Fat bitch

I never wanted to be this kind of girl in this kind of despised body.

I didn’t want be afraid of making plans to go out anymore

Crying amongst a bundle of strewn clothes, offering as much warmth as a strangers hug.

Items part of a constantly changing wardrobe to support a constantly changing body.

I wanted to stop counting calories, then binge eating anyway

Testing my body to see how long I could go without feeling faint.

I was only pretty when I was hungry, too aware of the dangers of being full

Because that would mean trying to shove fingers down my throat again

Or slicing at skin as if I could cut the fat off.

                                                    Disgusting

Craving to be another airbrushed image – ever notice they rarely smile?

Taking in toxic expectations to replace the absent serotonin.

Forgetting everything a plethora of worksheets once tried to teach me

And, despite reassurances, still turning the light off before taking my clothes off

Calling myself names so to become both the bully and the victim.

How can I even begin to accept my body when I am my own worst enemy?

                                                       Oh, cop on.

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One thought on “Body Image

  1. Great way to spell out the body image struggle. When you spoke of hugging clothes – just moved me. I wanted to hug it out. Chase away the fear, but, that’s just the protector in me.

    Liked by 1 person

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