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Uncertainty

My main space for writing is my bedroom. I don’t really enjoy sitting at a desk, so late at night I will sit cross legged and write and write until I feel my eyelids start to droop. It would seem that I am at my peak creativity when I’m half asleep. However I haven’t been doing this as much as of late which means I haven’t posted here for a while either. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, I’ve been super busy with the end of year college exams and moving out as I’ve been swapping between my two bedrooms as I moved back and forth between college and home, unable to feel truly stable in either place. Secondly, I’ve been experiencing a lot of self-doubt in relation to my writing too which is frustrating when there is so much that I want to write about.

Over the past few days I have finished up my second year of college. This year in particular hasn’t always been easy but, reflecting back on it there isn’t much I would change. I’ve gained so many new experiences which helped me evolve as a person, even though I didn’t always appreciate these so-called experiences at the time. That’s part of the reason why I’ve begun to put more effort into capturing moments. I do this through taking pictures and writing so that when the time is right, I can remember and acknowledge everything my friends and my time with them has offered me. Writing also served as a coping mechanism for me, especially when things got bad. I haven’t posted a lot of what I wrote during those periods and I don’t plan on. Mainly because they consist of very bad writing. When my mind is so disorganised, unprepared for the next onslaught of emotion I struggle to write poetry or prose that makes sense to anyone but me.

College, from the very beginning, has played a wonderful role in my life. It has opened me up to a new world of people and the arts which has served to make me a far happier and confident person. See, I’ve always been scared of my own mind, scared of how far it can take me and how easily it is for me to lose control of what is happening in my life. Last March I experienced a brief but intense depressive episode which meant I had to re-evaluate what I’m doing in my life, and this change of plans have left me in a position of uncertainty. This is the main reason why this semester I have been moving from bedroom to bedroom, home to home, hoping, finally, for a decent night sleep that doesn’t need to be drug induced, which just fuels more disturbing dreams. Disarranged thoughts and dreams that have left me with too much time to think and not enough time to write.

Right now I’m hoping that my time at home will allow me the write more, thus developing my writing skills and boosting my confidence. I want to be able to post on this blog as often as I did when I first started almost a year ago. Right now it’s 1am and I’m sitting crossed legged on my bed writing this post, trying to be optimistic that as my blog approaches its first anniversary, I will begin again to post with the confidence I started off with. I aim to do this by investing more time into self-care, mindfulness and the personal form of therapy writing offers me.

So here’s to another year of blogging 🙂

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